So, we chose to adopt – I always thought adoption would never be a path I would choose to follow. It’s funny how things change. For all those years that we were on the IF merry-go-round, it was something other people did. But, like many things in life, change can be beyond your control. We’ve all been driving along a road, planning what we’ll do when we get to our destination, when suddenly, a ‘Diversion’ sign appears or ‘Roadworks up ahead’. Quickly, our plans fall apart. We have to make decisions to follow the ‘Diversion’ sign or find another road. For some, changing their planned road trip might be the worst they’ll experience. For those on the IF road, the Diversion sign means a life changing decision, one that comes from a place filled with heartache.
CHOICES AFTER INFERTILITY
In the end, when you’ve exhausted everything, including yourself, you have choices. Your choice to become pregnant and give birth has been cruelly taken away, but there are other paths. I think you should feel proud, no matter how long your struggle has been, whether it’s a year or 15 years, you are here and there is light ahead. You have options. Reaching this place may have changed everything, your relationship, your friendships, your financial stability. Making the decision to move on is hard but it can be done. A child-free life has lots of perks, adoption isn’t for everyone. Whatever your decision, and it is yours, I can guarantee many friends and family will have an opinion. But, it’s not their life and whatever experiences they may have had, they probably don’t understand what it has taken to reach this crossroad.
MOVING ON
Instead of a fumble in the dark, it started with a phone call. A phone call to our local social services Adoption Agency. Looking back, the anxiety that I felt was understandable, yet I believe now, misplaced. I felt from the start that we had to prove that we were worthy, that we could actually be good parents, but more than this, I felt that I needed to prove we were perfect.
I phoned two local Adoption Agencies after the ‘cut-off’ point I’d given us had come and gone. It was actually a relief to move on from the IF world. I’d chosen the golden age of 40. It had been ten years and I knew it wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much money and how many drugs we threw at it, my body had problems that IVF couldn’t fix. This was the end of that journey. My phone call would be the start of the next.
FIRST STEPS
I had an added problem, one that probably should have stopped me in my tracks. My husband didn’t want to adopt. To be honest, he hadn’t wanted children. He was okay when he thought it would happen naturally, but when things started to go wrong and I turned into a blubbering, anti-mother, obsessed, crazy wreck, he turned and looked the other way. What was wrong with just him and me? he said. Lots, I can tell you.
Well, that’s another story, on another page. When I made those phone calls, we were in it together. The first agency I tried nearly put me off the whole thing. There was no warmth in the voice of the lady on the other end. ‘Had I moved on from infertility treatment?’ How could I be sure?’ They also had a policy that we would have to adopt one or two children over the age of five. I came away from that conversation feeling quite despondent. I left it a day before I rang the second agency. This time a much kinder voice spoke to me, she was postive, caring; she asked what sort of ages were we thinking of. She said we would be able to adopt more quickly if we considered siblings. By the end of the phone call, I’d arranged a visit from an adoption social worker.
