Before Adoption Archives

The Five most helpful Adoption books I’ve read

July 9, 2020 No Comments

I wanted to include the five most helpful adoption books I’ve read, as I think it made a difference having a bit of extra knowledge both before the girls came and in those early days.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog – Bruce Perry
Creating Loving Attachments – Dan Hughes & Kim Golding
Why was I adopted? – Carole Livingston
No Matter What by Debi Gliori – (given to me by another adoptive parent)
The Hackney child – Hope aniels

1. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog – Bruce Perry

I read this just as the girls arrived – it helped a lot. Probably the book which has had the most influence on my understanding of attachment problems and how important time and attention are for our children. Dr Perry uses real case stories to explain why wiring of the brain in the first two years of life is so important, for all of us. After reading it, it made me aware of the behaviour of EVERYONE around me; it helped to understand that the origins of most ‘bad’ behaviour can be found in early experiences, particularly trauma. It just makes sense.

Dr Bruce Perry has researched neuroscience for 30 years, particularly the effects of prenatal drug exposure on brain development, the neurophysiology of traumatic life events and basic mechanisms related to the development of neurotransmitter receptors in the brain. From his website: ‘His clinical research and practice has focused on high-risk children. This work has examined the cognitive, behavioral, emotional, social, and physiological effects of neglect and trauma in children, adolescents and adults. This work has been instrumental in describing how childhood experiences, including neglect and traumatic stress, change the biology of the brain – and, thereby, the health of the child.’

2. Creating Loving Attachments by Dan Hughes & Kim Golding

I wanted to include the five most helpful adoption books I've read

The Therapeutic parenting course that we went on for six months was based on Dan Hughes ‘PACE’ – Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. I can’t say that I do this all the time as a parent, I’m not a saint, but it definitely does help if you can use these behaviours some of the time. When your child is feeling so much anger and rage that it’s hard to reach them physically and emotionally, in the moment, it is difficult to know what to do. Most of all, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t follow the methods and advice all of the time. Nobody is perfect and I think it’s good for your kids to know that you need to just walk away sometimes.

What I learnt pretty early on after adopting was that parenting children from traumatic backgrounds, whether through birth family neglect and abuse or damage from an overburdened care system, is very different from ‘normal’ parenting. This book definitely helps to find a way forward.

3. No Matter What by Debi Gliori

This book was given to me by another adoptive parent, just after the girls arrived. It is beautiful and a great one to read at bedtime, particularly after a difficult day. It is a phrase that has stuck with me since first reading it:
‘NO MATTER WHAT’. No matter what you do, I will love, be here for you. It’s not easy. When things are broken and smashed. Walls, furniture, duvets and toys are written and scribbled on in Sharpie pen and clothes are ripped. Doors kicked and slammed and furniture is hurled at windows and curtains are ripped from poles for the umpteenth time, you have to remind yourself. No matter what.

4. Why was I adopted? by Carole Livingston

Quite an old book, but it’s down to earth and helps to open discussions about the reasons for adoption.

5. The Hackney Child – by Hope Daniels

One for me. I heard about this book after listening to an interview with the lady who wrote the book. It was an insight into another world, a world where survival was the main pastime. The author had no childhood. Every adopted child is different, but it helped me to get an insight into what neglect might feel like. In the early days of our adopting, I spent a lot of time thinking about what might have been. Did we do the right thing, should the girls have stayed with their birth family. Books like these helped me to realise that no, they shouldn’t.

No matter how much professional support is available to a birth parent, without parenting skills or empathy, the journey if they are able, is long. Their child doesn’t have that time. Whilst their birth parent might be heading back towards the ‘right’ pathway, their child’s childhood is slipping away as an inability to self-regulate masks intellectual ability. I makes a successful school career extremely difficult. Hope Daniels is the exception rather than the rule.

Before Adoption

The Adoption Process

April 25, 2020 No Comments

Ah, the adoption process! I think there are a lot of myths surrounding the actual process to adopt a child. For one, non-adopters always seem to dwell on ‘the process’ as the most difficult part. I remember lots and lots of ‘I’ve heard it takes such a long time…’ ‘it’s ridiculous how long it takes…’

But, to be honest, they do need to be thorough. You can’t just walk in off the street and expect to be given a child. Yes, it’s very annoying that ‘normal’ parents can just have sex one night and end up with a child; no meetings, investigations, courses, referees, scrutiny, health checks etc… but … we’ve been here before.

IT CAN TAKE A VERY LONG TIME

The process took us three years from start to finish, but a lot of that was our fault, as we paused it early on, to finish renovating our house. Looking back on our early experience, the thing that should have taken much longer was the preparation; classes and sessions for how to deal with certain problems that always seem to be thrown up when children who have only known neglect, abuse and constant disruption, move into your home. I’m hoping that a lot of this is just our experience and that there are really good adoption agencies out there. Our experience was particularly awful.

Back to the myth that the process is long. Well, it is long, so not a myth, but I still think it’s a drop in the ocean compared to the hurdles you face as you go along. The main gripe about that is that the children are stuck in limbo whilst grown-ups have lots and lots of meetings and lots of cups of tea and cake.

FIRST SOCIAL WORKER VISIT

After the initial phone call, an adoption social worker came to visit. We were nervous… I bought expensive biscuits, which I was too nervous to offer, so I left them on the table and pretended at the end that I’d forgotten them.

I think the first thing that struck me was how confident she was coming into our home and looking around… Tom wasn’t too impressed when she asked us what our house would be worth when we’d finished the renovations but I jumped in and told her, trying to be as transparent as possible.

Some of the initial questions were: which ages were we thinking of and boys or girls. We said a boy and girl, or two girls (I wanted a daughter, at least let me have some control) ages 3 and under. Sadly, she said they had plenty of children of this description in their care.

WHAT IS THE ADOPTION PROCESS – BRIEFLY

She ran through the process. If we were approved to go ahead after an introductory course, there would be many sessions with an adoption social worker. Then, eventually, after our chosen referees had written their references, it would go to ‘Panel’ to be approved. This sounded particularly daunting; around 15 people seated around a table asking us questions – I’ll come to that later. If approved, they send you reports of children that could be a potential ‘match’. There is then a Matching Panel, where the 15 people decide if the children can live with you. After that, the real journey begins. Over time, you get used to the jargon, just like I did on the IF journey. It sucks you in and you can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a part of you.

We shook hands, smiled and she left. A few weeks later we received a letter inviting us to a two-day group session with other prospective adopters. It was starting to get a bit scary…

Before Adoption

We chose to adopt

April 12, 2020 No Comments

So, we chose to adopt – I always thought adoption would never be a path I would choose to follow. It’s funny how things change. For all those years that we were on the IF merry-go-round, it was something other people did. But, like many things in life, change can be beyond your control. We’ve all been driving along a road, planning what we’ll do when we get to our destination, when suddenly, a ‘Diversion’ sign appears or ‘Roadworks up ahead’. Quickly, our plans fall apart. We have to make decisions to follow the ‘Diversion’ sign or find another road. For some, changing their planned road trip might be the worst they’ll experience. For those on the IF road, the Diversion sign means a life changing decision, one that comes from a place filled with heartache.

CHOICES AFTER INFERTILITY

In the end, when you’ve exhausted everything, including yourself, you have choices. Your choice to become pregnant and give birth has been cruelly taken away, but there are other paths. I think you should feel proud, no matter how long your struggle has been, whether it’s a year or 15 years, you are here and there is light ahead. You have options. Reaching this place may have changed everything, your relationship, your friendships, your financial stability. Making the decision to move on is hard but it can be done. A child-free life has lots of perks, adoption isn’t for everyone. Whatever your decision, and it is yours, I can guarantee many friends and family will have an opinion. But, it’s not their life and whatever experiences they may have had, they probably don’t understand what it has taken to reach this crossroad.

MOVING ON

Instead of a fumble in the dark, it started with a phone call. A phone call to our local social services Adoption Agency. Looking back, the anxiety that I felt was understandable, yet I believe now, misplaced. I felt from the start that we had to prove that we were worthy, that we could actually be good parents, but more than this, I felt that I needed to prove we were perfect.

I phoned two local Adoption Agencies after the ‘cut-off’ point I’d given us had come and gone. It was actually a relief to move on from the IF world. I’d chosen the golden age of 40. It had been ten years and I knew it wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much money and how many drugs we threw at it, my body had problems that IVF couldn’t fix. This was the end of that journey. My phone call would be the start of the next.

FIRST STEPS

I had an added problem, one that probably should have stopped me in my tracks. My husband didn’t want to adopt. To be honest, he hadn’t wanted children. He was okay when he thought it would happen naturally, but when things started to go wrong and I turned into a blubbering, anti-mother, obsessed, crazy wreck, he turned and looked the other way. What was wrong with just him and me? he said. Lots, I can tell you.

Well, that’s another story, on another page. When I made those phone calls, we were in it together. The first agency I tried nearly put me off the whole thing. There was no warmth in the voice of the lady on the other end. ‘Had I moved on from infertility treatment?’ How could I be sure?’ They also had a policy that we would have to adopt one or two children over the age of five. I came away from that conversation feeling quite despondent. I left it a day before I rang the second agency. This time a much kinder voice spoke to me, she was postive, caring; she asked what sort of ages were we thinking of. She said we would be able to adopt more quickly if we considered siblings. By the end of the phone call, I’d arranged a visit from an adoption social worker.